So here I am with my favorite form of therapy, blogging.  Which means I need therapy.  Which means there is something wrong.

First let me say that there is so much RIGHT going on in my life.   Katelynn is so smart and beautiful and funny and amazing.  And we are surviving on one salary. 

We are trying again.  It's different this time:  I know I'm not going to die childless.  I have my Katie.  And I'm honestly and totally okay if it's just Katie.

I still have those pains when someone else announces their pregnancy.  I know it doesn't really make sense because I have Katie.  And I'll admit it doesn't hurt as much as it did before Katie.  But it bugs me. 

I hate that it's so easy for them.  I hate that they get to do those cute photos on Facebook announcing that their other kids are going to have a new baby brother or sister.  I hate that they get to go from two lines on the pee stick to telling the world without hesitation.  Without having to take a test every day to make sure it didn't all fall apart.

We lost another baby.  I don't know how far along, maybe 5 weeks.  It wasn't a very strong pregnancy; the line was so faint that I dismissed it the first two times.  And once I knew I really was pregnant, I knew it wouldn't last.  Three days later the doctor confirmed it.  It was gone.  Over.  And I didn't know how to feel.

And then we took our first round of clomid, which was a failure.  No follicles.  Nothing.  And I felt defeated again.

I've literally just taken the first dose of our second round of clomid.  I made the appointment for my ultrasound next Friday. Everything is documented and planned out on the calendar.  Mechanically, we've got it all under control.

Here's the tricky-why-I-need-therapy thing:  I'm scared.  Part of me is scared that it won't work... ever.  Maybe Katie was a total fluke never to be repeated again.  Basically you can take six rounds of clomid before you start running into medical issues.  We're already on round 2.  It took 5 rounds to get Katie.  What if this time we get to round 6 and we still have nothing?  Can we afford to move on to REACH? 

Another part of me is terrified that we will conceive and have another miscarriage.  And maybe it won't be as "easy" as the last.  Maybe it will be after weeks of getting excited... after seeing the ultrasound... thinking of a name... getting attached.  I don't want to do that again.  I don't want to have another D&C.  I don't want to have Katie see us go through that.  I don't want her to experience that.

And then there is the worry that we will conceive and there will be something wrong.  I'm pushing 40 and so many things happen more often with older mothers.  Katie is PERFECT.... what are the chances that we would make another perfect baby?

And I wonder if I'm being greedy.... I begged God to grant me a baby.  'A' baby.  And He did.  And she's PERFECT.  Am I being rude to ask for another perfect angel?

I've been bouncing all of this around in my heart and my head, and it was finally time to get it out on "paper".   Hopefully I'll find the peace and clarity I need.